What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 06:18
So, i spoilt her more .
I was 9 years of age.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He said he loves me, but why is it difficult for him to leave his wife?
(And it was in our own minds.)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
How do you have intercourse with a girl who can remember you for a long time?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
What makes a woman attractive?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I will be 64.
Is depression a cause for always feeling tired?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My life is so biszare .
Why do people think Justin Bieber is worse than Joseph Stalin?
Especially a lifetime of it.
I don,t even have a pension.
I was very sick at this time too.
Baby Talk Enhances Infant Speech Learning - Neuroscience News
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She found it foreign!.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My family never makes their pension either.
When she asked me how she looked .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I write beautiful poetry .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
We were not on the streets..
But it wasn’t much.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
All the time i was locked up.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She was in good health!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But ive been too sick for many years..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Put me off passion for life!!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Who then, do I blame.?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Why did i forgive my father ?
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As i do to all so called friends.?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Comes on , in middle age.
She loved him until the end.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I have no regrets .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I was seconnd youngest,
It was going to be , some day.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He knew the spot.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She married twice! .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We all went to grammer schools
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One cannot live in the past .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I think the readers, may guess!
But, we were locked up after school.
I waited trembling.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I said to her
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
This is soul school!.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was scared of men, in general
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
So whats the point in blame.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
What did i know ?
Ive learnt so much.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Would this be the day?
He resisted the act ,that day.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And i lived it daily.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Im still living with it.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She wouldn,t have been !
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Was to survive, this bastard.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.